Spin cycle

Our new washing machine and dryer were delivered last week. The washer is one of those high efficiency front-loading machines that uses about a thimbleful of water to clean a load of clothes. The Energy Guide Statement claims that running this machine for a year will cost $9 in electricity. That's less than I spent at Starbucks in the last three days!

I wouldn't normally get excited about laundry. I haven't actually washed a single article of clothing in many years. Wifey handles that. Okay, now, before you get all uppity about how my domestic behavior perpetuates sexist roles and responsibilities, allow me to state in my defense that I do most of the cooking in our house. And a good deal of the grocery shopping, too. And in my spare time I sew little sweaters for the short-haired dogs locked up at the local shelter so they don't shiver at night. I, uhm, well, I cook and I shop - let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, the new washer is pretty cool. Except that it really vibrates during the spin cycle. In fact, the whole laundry room seems to vibrate. The first time I saw this happening, I was a bit concerned. "Don't worry," Wifey told me. "This is normal." She went on to explain, "this machine spins so fast that clothes come out barely moist, which of course cuts down on the time they spend in the dryer." I haven't seen the energy rating for our dryer yet, but I'm guessing it is pretty efficient on an annual basis as well. Maybe the equivalent of five or six Starbucks cappuccinos.

Sensing that I wasn't sold on her normalcy claim regarding this vibration business, Wifey pointed to a sticker on the washing machine. "Read for yourself," she said. "I can't," I replied. And I couldn't. The washer was spinning so hard, the words on the sticker were a blur. Just then, the spin cycle ended and the big box of a washer came to a halt. The sticker that my wife wanted me to see came into clear view. It read:

"Your new high efficiency washer spins almost twice as fast as conventional top load washers. You will notice different sounds and slight vibration. This is normal."

The last sentence was underlined. You can imagine the people at the washing machine factory answering all the phone calls from concerned customers claiming that their washing machine is shaking as though it's poised to take flight.

"We have to tell people that this is normal," the shop manager must have screamed to his customer service staff in frustration.

"But we have, boss – look, it says right here on the sticker: 'This is Normal.'"

"Well, it's not enough," the shop manager surely fired back. "Underline it, damn it, underline it!"

I'm still getting used to our hyper-active washer. It sits on the main floor of our house, so during spin cycles you can feel the vibrations from a good distance away. Mind you, it's not a problem. The rumbling just catches me off guard sometimes.

Last night, in the upstairs bathroom, I was getting ready to snip a few nose hairs with a pair of those really sharp curved scissors designed for this purpose, when I felt a slight vibration between the metal blades and my left nostril. Near the sink, some toothbrushes rattled softly in the ceramic dish holder. For a moment, I didn't make the connection. Were we having an earthquake? Then I remembered the washer. "Oh yeah..." I went ahead and snipped the nose hairs. What the heck. The clothes need washing and the nose hairs need trimming. This is normal now.