PRL

Every so often the New Yorker runs an advertisement near the back of the magazine for a “perfect reading lamp.” The ad itself is not very imposing, a small box sitting in line with a few others that together make up a single column of the three column page. And yet this ad for the perfect reading lamp (henceforth PRL) always catches my eye. I don’t know why. Well, yes I do: it’s perfect; or so they say. A perfect reading lamp. Who couldn’t use one of those?

The advertisement in the New Yorker for the PRL includes an inset photo of the lamp. It’s attractive enough. Truth be told, the look of this lamp doesn’t knock me off my feet. But appearance isn’t everything. It’s function, not form, that matters more in an argument for perfection. Appearance is subjective; the real factors here are the optics and ergonomics of the lamp. Optics and ergonomics: that’s science! And on this matter, the ad states that “the Double Swivel Action places light correctly for a high or low chair, desk or a computer.” Note the capital letters in Double Swivel Action. I didn’t put them there; the advertiser did. Everybody knows you don’t go around using capital letters in a reading lamp advertisement unless you can back them up with science.

I have come to know the PRL in my life, even though I don’t actually own one. My familiarity with this product has grown over time such that I imagine I do possess a PRL, and that it sits proudly next to my favorite reading chair. Not only that, but I also imagine myself sitting in that chair reading a good book under the glow of the PRL, a warm throw on my lap, a tumbler of whisky on the end table, a log crackling in the fireplace. It’s a peaceful place within my imagination. Perfect, even?

Actually, no. Quite the contrary. It wasn’t long after my imaginary PRL was out of the imaginary box and my imaginary self was enjoying the latest edition of the New Yorker under the lamp’s perfect light, laughing out loud at the funny cartoons, that the real me became a bit, well, jealous. Okay, I know that sounds ridiculous. I mean, why would I be jealous of a scene out of my own head? Theoretically, I am in charge of my own fantasies, right? Why not just push these thoughts away? Believe me, I tried. But I would no sooner throw the switch controlling the PRL to the off position when my imaginary self would turn it back on again and commence reading. Once my imaginary self even smirked at me and jiggled the ice cubes in his whisky tumbler indicating that he could use a refill. The nerve!

I told my therapist about the struggle I was having with my imaginary self over the PRL. He said that this was a very normal situation, that the rational brain sometimes collided with the irrational subconscious on issues of expectation, desire, insecurity. Underlying all this fantasy and cerebral playacting, he said, was a deep-rooted disappointment, probably related to some childhood incident – a much ballyhooed toy that didn’t live up to expectations, a real dud of a family vacation, that sort of thing. According to my therapist, the jealousy I felt toward my imaginary self stemmed from the irrational notion that he possessed what had eluded me all my life: perfection. The next time I saw my therapist, there was a warm radiance about him. Something was different. Was that a PRL beside his chair? Yes, he admitted it was true. He purchased one after he heard about it from me, and he loved it. Especially the Double Swivel Action. He motioned for me to give it a try. “Come bask in the glow of perfection,” he said. Instead, I got up and left, calling him an opportunist and a traitor.

For a long time after that, my imaginary self and I didn’t communicate. We learned to coexist. What choice did we have? We were kind of stuck with each other. I got pretty good at ignoring him, though. Whenever my imaginary self was around, I would purposely and completely turn my attention to something else. Something pleasant: a good meal, my favorite Sopranos episode, sex, roller-coaster rides. It got to the point where I became comfortable enough to be in the same room with my imaginary self as he sat reading next to the PRL. I could even tidy up around him, gathering up old magazines and depositing them in the recycling bin, removing the empty whisky glasses from the end table, vacuuming the Cheez-It crumbs on the carpet – my mind a thousand miles away. In this manner, I was able to return some normalcy to my life. Really, I had let this PRL business get out of hand.

For his part, my imaginary self was happy to ignore me as well. He stopped grunting when I walked too close; the frequency of taunts and smirks decreased and then stopped altogether. Without the expenditure of energy spent annoying me, my imaginary self became more and more lethargic. He started looking sickly and seemed to nap more than he read.

Nevertheless, I was still having serious pangs of jealousy. I hadn’t sat on my favorite reading chair since the imaginary PRL showed up and my imaginary self parked his ass there. The worst was at night. As I lay in bed propped up on my lumpy pillow under the diffuse, yellow, inadequate light cast from my bedroom reading lamp, I couldn’t help thinking of my imaginary self downstairs dozing comfortably under perfect light. I was even bothered by the waste of imaginary electricity from the PRL burning bright. Money doesn’t grow on trees, not even in the world of make believe.

I couldn’t envision this situation getting any stranger than it already was, but that’s just what it did. Late one night, long after I had gone to sleep, I woke to a faint thumping sound, like a finger tapping on the skin of a drum. At first, being groggy and disoriented, I couldn’t place the noise. Then I became aware that it was coming from downstairs. So, I got out of bed and walked in the dark by feel – first through the bedroom door into the main hallway, and then down the stairs, carefully holding on to the banister and avoiding the squeaky steps. From the foyer on the first floor, I could see that a light was on in the living room. Surely it was the PRL. I quickened my pace, the thumping noise growing louder as I got closer.

When I reached the living room, I found that the PRL was indeed switched on, but there was no sign of my imaginary self. The chair was empty. I reached down and touched it with my hand. It was cold, indicating that no one had been sitting there for some time. (Does an imaginary person give off body heat?) The thumping noise, I quickly determined, was coming from the PRL itself. I bent down and looked up under the lamp shade. There I discovered the source: a moth, frantically drawn to the light. The poor thing was alternately bouncing off the light bulb and lamp shade with alarming frequency. When the badly beaten moth finally stopped to rest momentarily on the edge of the shade, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. Involuntarily, I sat on the chair and stared up in disbelief. The moth had a face. My face. Or my imaginary self’s face. Whatever! The distinction was irrelevant. More importantly, my imaginary self had metamorphosed into a moth. And now it was being taken by the light of the PRL.

This was it; this was the end. Despite my jealousy and feelings of misplaced animosity, I could never have wished this fate on my imaginary self. I looked up at the moth as it leaped again from its perch, ready for another round with the PRL. Horrified, I reached out and grabbed at the moth repeatedly until I had successfully cupped it in my hand. I could feel that I had it there in my closed fist. It was moving, attempting to open its wings. Thankfully, I hadn’t squished it. With my free hand, I found the switch of the PRL and turned out the light. I brought the fist holding the moth close to my chest and sat back in my comfortable reading chair. Breathing deeply. In the dark. In the perfect darkness.